Think back to a time when you felt fully heard, not just because they were listening to you, but because you didn’t feel judged while you shared. Think about the ways that person showed you that they were listening: maybe they sat their phone down or turned to face you and gave you their full attention. No distractions, or rushing, just open space for you to speak.
Perhaps it was a coworker who let you talk through an idea and met you with support rather than correction. Or a close friend who answered your phone call and listened quietly while you shared something difficult, never judging your situation. What stood out about their response? Did they listen openly without trying to offer opinions? What feelings did you have? Did it help you feel understood, valued, or safe to share more?
Chances are you’ve created moments like this for your teen, too, even without realizing it. When your teen opens up, these same moments of nonjudgmental listening can strengthen trust, deepen connection, and help them feel safe coming to you again. That’s why listening without judgment is an important part of being a trusted adult.
The Cost of Judgment
Judgment, even unspoken, can shut a person down. A raised eyebrow or a heavy sigh can suggest that you’re not interested in understanding them. Being nonjudgmental and patient is critical to building trust. Teens, especially those who’ve faced rejection or discrimination, need adults who listen with curiosity and respond with compassion instead of criticism.
When you respond with words like, “You’ll understand when you’re older” or “Calm down – it’s not that big of a deal,” your teen is likely to become frustrated and feel like you’re brushing them off.
Comments like these minimize their lived reality. Listening without judgment gives your teen the opportunity to describe their experience in their own words and perspective.
What It Means to Listen Without Judgment
Listening without judgment is about presence. It’s slowing down to hear your teen out without rushing them toward where you think they should be. It’s holding back that instinct to correct, advise, or share your opinion right away.
Imagine your teen comes home and tells you that some kids at school offered them a vape. Your first thought might be to jump in with, “You’d better not be vaping!” or to launch into a lecture about health risks. Your intention might be to protect them and make sure they understand the dangers—that’s an important message. But how you do this matters. When you jump straight into warnings or judgments, it can come across as dismissive or critical, which might cause your teen to shut down and stop talking about it.
They might actually be sharing because they felt pressured, curious, or even proud that they said no. Nonjudgmental listening in that moment means pausing before you respond, setting aside your immediate reactions, and making space for your teen to share what the experience was like for them. This might sound like asking, “What was it like for you when they offered it?” or “How did you feel in that moment?”
When you respond from a place of nonjudgment, you’re showing your teen that their feelings matter and that you want to hear them, even if you might not agree with their perspective. Here are a few ways you can put this into practice:
- Pause your assumptions. Instead of saying, “You’re overreacting,” try, “Can you tell me more about what’s making this hard right now?” This keeps the focus on their perspective and helps you understand how and why they feel that way.
- Validate emotions. Let your teen know their feelings make sense, even if you don’t agree with every detail of the situation. Telling your teen that you see how important what they’re talking about is to them can go a long way. Statements like “I see how much this bothers you” are helpful in validating your teens feelings without agreeing or disagreeing with them.
- Avoid shaming or comparing. Phrases like “When I was your age…” can sometimes shut teens down. Replace them with curiosity by asking things like: “What’s that like for you?”
- Be curious. Try asking thoughtful, open-ended questions to show you care about the why behind a teen’s feelings or behavior. Instead of “Why did you do that?” which can feel accusatory, try “What was going through your mind?” or “What would’ve made that easier for you?”
- Be okay with silence. Sometimes being nonjudgmental is about giving your teen time to think and speak at their own pace while you listen quietly. This not only gives your teen time to share their thoughts, but it shows them your patient enough to hear them out.
When Listening Feels Uncomfortable
Sometimes what a teen shares can be hard to hear. They might open up about feeling depressed, feeling left out by friends, questioning their identity, or experiencing something that feels unfair or unsafe. These moments may stir up fear or worry in you and that’s completely human.
You might feel the urge to say, “You shouldn’t feel that way,” or “That’s just part of being a teenager.” Pushing back on their experience can shut the conversation down and break trust. It’s expected and valid to have strong feelings when hearing about your teen’s heavy experiences. Take a deep breath and try to focus on their experience first and if needed, seek support after to process what you’ve heard. Teens feel most supported when adults acknowledge tough topics directly and with respect. A simple, “I know this might be hard to talk about, but I’m here and I’m not judging you,” can go a long way.
If you feel yourself beginning to feel uncomfortable, try this:
- Acknowledge their courage by saying something like, “Thanks for telling me. That takes a lot of honesty.”
- Express gratitude for your relationship by reassuring them you’re here to support them. Try saying, “I know this is hard to talk about, and I’m really glad that you feel safe to discuss it with me.”
- If you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to pause and revisit the conversation. This might sound like: “I want to keep listening to you. Can I have a minute to process what you just said so I can respond thoughtfully?”
Being uncomfortable is a part of building authentic relationships, even with your teen. Teens respect adults who can sit with them in that discomfort, without rushing to smooth it over. Remember, you’ve probably already done this before with your teen and with other people you love.
This blog is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to provide medical or mental health advice. If you have concerns about your child’s health or well-being, please consult a qualified healthcare or mental health professional.
